Thursday, February 09, 2017 @ 9:37 am
No one likes to blame themselves but I need to admit that I have a part to play in this.
I realised that I cannot answer the most fundamental question as to why I had actually been subtly rejecting this leap of faith. Im not surprised that this silence has happened and by instinct, I was pushing the blame on you. But then my eyes were gradually opened to the fact that I play a part in this too.
So I have been wondering why I had pushed all these advances away. I know that I have been playing dumb and I know what you have been doing all along. And I do feel so much for you, so what is up with me not being able to accept all these gestures from you?
I am genuinely not playing hard to get. I just have an issue with myself that I am not sure what it is because this realisation has been too recent.
I thought of all the times with other loved ones that brought this concern to surface. Somehow, when a person does something for me that is super big and sincere, I am touched but also horrified (for a lack of better word). I cannot understand why people would go the extra mile for me. I cannot understand why people can give something precious to me. Worst of all, I cannot understand why this bothers me so much till the point where im upset and unable to accept them.
Is it because I dont think I deserve to be loved? Or that I am calculative?
I dont know what the answer is at the moment. But it is disquieting and uncomfortable to have to enter and resolve something so fundamental within myself.
Yet I know that if I do not realise why I am like that, I will continue to hurt you everytime you pluck up the courage to try at the most unprecedented and unexpected of moments. And your patience will run out.
It was liberating to tell them snippets of the truth, but I was shocked too when all three of them were dumbfounded by what I had shared about us. They were most bewildered by my reactions to these matters.
I didnt want to see this, but I had to. Because otherwise, I would brush this concern away time and again.
I know though that it starts with me. I dont know where to begin, but I need to figure it out as soon as I can. For things like this, no one can fix me except for myself.
Friday, January 27, 2017 @ 11:25 am
The things that I blurt out in the morning.
It threw my aunt into shock and she is currently launching a tirade of reasons why my thinking is wrong.
To be honest, I wonder when I started having such thoughts of wanting to move out, especially when things get tough sometimes and there are moments where I am brought back to the ten-year-old self who had to endure the shouts and screams at home.
But I guess now I know where I got my influence from. It is really so important to pick friends who dont just praise you but able to make you a better person.
How do you even manage to make it seem like everything is okay, things are good for you because of your decision? Facts are facts arent they- you left at the most crucial moment of their lives. If your betterment is at a huge expense of the ones who love you, I am not sure if this is considered a good decision?
I only say such things but I can never be this selfish. And this is me.
This is what defines me.
I have my wild artistic streak, I can be pretty eccentric. Sometimes I am crazy quiet, at other times I explode into this talkative mode that lasts for hours. I dream about many things but in the end, the things that anchor me are my own essence.
Things that I love or used to love, they all change. They are ephermeral. We have to go along with the times. But values, principles and core beliefs are pretty much rock solid. When lost, go back to the fundamentals of who you are and you'll know which are your heart's deepest desires, the wild fantasies and the worst of all- things that you simply follow others to look cool/mature/different.
Funny how adults get very freaked out by honest thoughts, but it is in recognising and acknowledging them that they can be transformed to something better.
Monday, January 23, 2017 @ 9:59 am
Recently I read a guidance about "cherry, plum, peach, damson", which is basically about living true to yourself and allow your unique self to bloom and shine. No character is definitely bad or good; there will always be instances where a certain character quality becomes a weakness and at other times, a strength. The key is to bring out the strength of our character and improve on our weakness as we are.
I used to think that my hypersensitivity is a genuinely bad thing so I end up making a lot of pretty accurate judgment AND THEN ignoring them altogether, chiding myself for being sensitive. So I spend time on seeing the literal and take things as they are, only to realise later on that I was mostly right. The only times I messed up in my judgment were when I mixed my own insecurities with my own sensitivity. As all of them are feeling/intuition based and I have a penchant for logic and reasoning, this gets very annoying for me and I end up feeling overwhelmed and confused by all of my thoughts.
But somehow this guidance struck a chord with me so much and after some daimoku, I realised that yeah, why not I tap on my sensitivity as a strength rather than despising this huge part of myself as a major flaw? In this way, it becomes a lot easier for me to sense things right quickly and also react in a more thoughtful and measured manner.
There is no need to be someone whom I am not. Trust this sensitivity of mine yet making sure that I dont let them be corrupted by self-doubts and insecurities. Sharpen my existing tools instead of always harping on the things I lack and be ashamed of myself.
Thursday, January 19, 2017 @ 10:04 am
I almost wanted to say that I didnt know what I do to deserve it, but I know deep down that it is the ichinen in which I chanted that led me to where I am right now.
I chanted for a good work mentor; that no matter how tough it may be, I wish to be trained under this person so that I can manifest my potential. It has been challenging, but when I saw how my boss noticed my struggles and stepped in to help me out in the things that I had no power to decide or negotiate about, at that moment I felt like crying tears of gratitude in the office room.
It sounds silly af, but because I have mostly been the senior who protects and looks out for my peers or juniors, it felt really comforting to have someone looking out for me in this complicated workplace.
This also reminded me of the day that you and I met so that we could bring our two friends around. I have always been so used to managing relations and planning itinerary that honestly, I never thought about asking for help. I did have some questions which when I asked, uh.........you didnt reply me at all?
But then the plot twist was that you actually read and pondered over the dilemmas I stated, and on the day itself you told me straight that you had done research and came up with a plan as well.
So while otw, we were discussing about how we could best host our two friends before they arrived. Your presence and inputs really brought me immense comfort, reminding me that I don't always have to struggle on my own.
It was a lovely day and while I did hope that we could have some time on our own after that (why were both appointments on the same day........), but it is fine. Another reason to meet up again cos we have barely shared about our December to each other.
Not sure how I exactly survived the lows that came with all these longings. One month of zero contact because at some point in time, we were nestled in some random forest and village in a foreign land with no hint of wifi signal or mobile reception.
The lows were definitely more intense during the first part of my Thailand trip, the start of our lack of any contact with each other. Travelling with the BFF was really fun and meaningful in general but it did take me a while to decide to be strong, happy and to simply not be so bothered by it. Of course it led to me being slightly unaware of my surroundings and the help required of me at times, but I am glad that all is good and everything turned out great in the end! (@BFF: if you read this, thank you for your unconditional loveeee)
In a world where we always need to remain in contact to be reminded of each other's existence, love and care, having to go through this was really strange especially in this era. And what I felt when we met again wasnt really like, oh everything is still the same! It was more of sensing that both of us have grown again but somehow we are supporting each other's journeys along the way. To be able to plan things together and wanting to best serve and host others has already become another precious memory for me.
Not sure why but it is often these simple things that we do together that have been a lot more memorable for me than anything else. Also not kidding, but that day it felt like we were doing kosenrufu together, striving for others' happiness side by side.
I would like to have many more of such moments walking through life's journey together :)
Things havent been easy, but it is only through challenges that we learn, grow and become stronger. Heres to never giving up, never disparaging, never begrudge.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017 @ 9:42 am
Sometimes, you never know when you may be influenced. I realised that dialogues, while important to encourage others, are also crucial to help ourselves. If we keep things bottled up and refuse to tell anything to anyone, we risk getting more and more deluded with our own thoughts, blinded at corners where external parties can otherwise point out to you.
Also, this month we talked about good friends in Buddhism during discussion meetings. It is indeed essential to do our part for kosenrufu by helping to bring out others' Buddhahood, but at the same time don't forget to in particular surround ourselves with good friends and treasure them. They may not always agree with you, but they help you to grow, they want the best for you, and they too recognise your goodness.
I cannot help but feel that this current seating arrangement will enable me to climb greater heights. Not that things will get easier; in fact I may be expected to do even more. But I will get the training that I need, and allow myself to be honed to become a true working professional.
As much as I empathise with her current struggles and I understand why leaving is a sound decision from her perspective, but that shouldnt affect my own resolve. I have a different objective, and my goal doesnt require me to move for any other reason except that things can get tough and demanding at times. I also do wonder about whether what she is doing is fully right or not, but in the end it depends on what a person is aiming for in his/her life.
The basis of karma is creating causes that arise from our habits, attitudes and responses. If we think we are always right but yet suffer from similar consequences wherever we go....then is that being unlucky or punished by something else? It still goes back to changing certain things fundamental within ourselves not to lose our identities but to become even better. Human revolution is the key to changing our karma and leading lives of great growth and fulfilment.
This has always been my problem, being affected by others easily. This was why I had rejected criticism or decided to just shut myself out in the name of being unique and to be myself. But what does being myself means? Do we have to always isolate ourselves to stay away from bad influences and therefore retain our identities?
Surrounding ourselves with good people doesnt mean avoiding the ones whom we think are negative influences like some contagious disease. It means to be able to judge the good from the bad, to treasure both but in different ways, to not be easily swayed.
No matter what happens, I want and must press on. Not that I am most keen on climbing up too high a corporate ladder but I definitely want to be skilled, competent, capable and reliable.
Glad to have mentioned about this issue during breakfast with my aunt and she was able to encourage me from her perspective and experiences.
Heres to picking myself up again and moving forward.
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Saturday, January 07, 2017 @ 9:17 pm
Joy is knowing that the chains of your past are gradually breaking apart.
It was hard to explain to people but I never felt that I could really move on unless these people moved on. Social media can be a really curated platform but I hope with all my heart that these are true.
Those days were so challenging. From time to time, I would be wrecked with pain from all the guilt and the confusion. But this only confirmed that while others can try to blame you for their pain and darkness and you try your hardest to help, in the end these are their battles. They have to overcome them on their own.
I have been bearing others' pain for some time simply because I was there and I felt like that yeah maybe I caused parts of it. When I returned from exchange, so many walls were built up inside me. Truthfully, I wasnt confident of myself partly because I thought/felt that I caused some people pain. I didnt think I was a good person.
It took me so long to realise that certain insecurities and unreciprocated feelings cannot be deliberately caused by me if I didnt have the intention in the first place. Feelings are hard to control and they go beyond logic. I cannot possibly retreat or just proceed to go out with anyone simply because I feel bad or I think I would otherwise cause them unhappiness.
You may think youre being noble in doing such things but actually, youre disrespecting yourself and not trusting that they will be able to learn, grow and overcome these matters.
I hope that whatever I have seen are literally true and I hope theyre off in a different yet positive direction.
(And I hope that it means lesser walls between us too. Lesser need to bother too much about others' feelings.)
Okay still trying to take everything in...
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Sunday, January 01, 2017 @ 3:43 am
2016 has been an unforgettable year. For all the transitions that I had to go through, I am kind of amazed that I got past everything and managed to welcome 2017 with open arms.
Adjusting back from exchange, final sem and having to deal with finance mod, part-time internship, Japan grad trip, official graduation, transferred to Chinese district, first full-time job, problems at work, struggles in SD, having to resign, brief unemployment, onto my second job at the most unexpected place i.e advertising, Thailand trip with the BFF, lots more family time to end off the year.
One year flowed into the next in a way that I had never expected. Halfway through the year, I found myself becoming resentful of everything that was happening to me. I was simply living day by day, unable to think of the future at all. Whatever that I had idealised had derailed so much I didn't know how to react to the reality of my situation. At one point, I wondered if there was even any use in planning for anything because life is able to throw you to somewhere you have never imagined- sometimes amongst the clouds, other times into the abyss.
To sound a little more dramatic, I thought adulthood was the death of everything until real death comes. However, during the last month of the year, I started to realise that nah, I was really too dramatic about stuff.
Adulthood is in fact the beginning of everything.
Looking back, it is fascinating to actually reflect on the emotional rollercoaster ride that I had gone through because it was a ride that I had never experienced before. A whole new spectrum of feelings emerged, and my perspective on various aspects of life started to shift as well.
Perhaps the Thailand trip really revitalised me because over there, I found that my youthfulness, my zest for life and sense of adventure have all remained intact. If I would like to summon forth this self, I can do so if I want to. This, and knowing that I can pick myself again and again in spite of all the changes and setbacks, have given me a different kind of self-confidence.
My appreciation for my family has grown exponentially as well. It turns out that maintaining family harmony and actively forming deeper bonds with our loved ones are really important because they are one of the greatest pillars of support that Man can ever have. I never really considered myself a family person because for a long time, I have sort of given up on family gatherings and having happy family time. Thats how I came to prefer hanging out with friends. But when I was down, each family member supported me in a unique way so that I could find the strength to stand up again. And they celebrated my milestones and mini progress as well.
And as my entire family did midnight gongyo together to usher in the new year, I really felt the family spirit. I want to always work hard together with them and for us to create more victories together.
Something that I also determined during the last 10 minutes before 2016 was over as an important 2017 resolution: to truly see, respect and help to manifest others' Buddha nature. From now on, I need to do everything not just with my heart, but with this conviction in both my own and others' existence of Buddha nature. If I help others, it should not be about me being the saviour and the other person being the victim; that happiness can only be realised if others follow my way that is supposedly superior. We help not to make others reliant on us or to make ourselves needed by others. We should help because we treasure this person; we believe in their goodness and potential in the first place. So our help would be a step towards them eventually securing their own victories. When I chanted in this way, everything felt a lot more natural and joyful.
I'm grateful to people whom I have gotten to know and grow closer with over the year, and to the constants who have been by my side and have seen more of me in this year alone without running away. The entire year was often brightened up by the presence, powerful words and actions of these people.
The year has also been an unexpected journey for the both of us. It has been an incredibly bumpy ride, and there are many things that have remained unspoken. The biggest reason why I have felt this way is because of my refusal to view reality for what it is. Yet as you allowed me to understand your circumstances better, things began to make more sense. Your actions don't seem as foreign as they were to me during the start of the year. But I am still learning to grasp this reality fully and to find a way to move forward. Nevertheless, I am thankful for this bond that we share because I don't think anyone outside of my family has ignited so much human revolution within me, and that you have also impacted me in many positive ways. I want to be even stronger this year so that I can play my part to overcome this otherwise challenging reality.
Oops it is almost 4am now. But anyway, this has been one hell of a ride, and I am ready for another intensive but adventurous, exciting and meaningful year ahead!