Sometimes, insecurities of all forms come back to haunt me. Everyday is a battle to fight against the darkness inside me, the voices that tell me that I am not good enough, I dont deserve this.
In the past, I was defeated by these shadows. I allowed myself to become mediocre and kind of almost gave up on myself, masking my fears of being criticised and feeling inadequate with this whole quirky, artsy fartsy persona. The whole damn this world, I am unique and I am proud of it kinda mentality. It is good to be unique but one must strive for continuous improvement.
I finally plucked the courage to be trained, to be polished. The current stage is hard, and I am lost sometimes as to what I should do. But in spite of my fears, in the end my courage is still greater than them. This is something that has improved over the years and I am happy about that.
So I will cotinue with my fight and most importantly, remain undefeated. I have lost count the number of times people had to tell me off or be stern with me in a span of almost 1.5 months. And women like me are not that thick-skinned. Plus im pretty sensitive so yup, sometimes I dont take things very well. But even then, I must learn to control myself and spare a thought for others as much as I can.
I am not sure though if I should be relieved that things will be slowing down for us again as we head off for our own respective trips which means a month plus of not seeing each other and possibly no contact at all. Because I do really need the concentration to give my all at this juncture and not be unduly distracted during this period of training and growth for me. But on the other hand, I am such a girl about it in the sense that I know I will miss you so much. It is only human I guess.
There are days where I feel so distraught about all these conflicting schedules that I would lament and wonder why it feels like we are so star-crossed. But this also makes every opportunity to spend quality time a golden, irreplaceable memory.
Theoretically, I understand why it is untimely to push for something beyond what we can handle at the moment. Of course my heart yearns for more, yet we cannot avoid this sombre reality that we are facing until at least the end of next year.
It is another thing that I wrestle with my heart daily. This is not something where words alone can soothe or resolve anything. And I know we dont talk about it because we both understand what is going on. I keep asking myself, is there nothing else that we can do except to hold on to these feelings in our hearts until the time comes?
In a world where we are often pressed for time and successes are measured by how swiftly we react to a situation, it seems like we are mega failures. Sometimes I do feel this way. But my perspective is changing since that fateful day. There are real things to consider, and it may not be a bad idea after all to work on strengthening our own foundation further at this point in time. It is only by training to be stronger now will we be able to deal with the uncertain future. I need to keep planting the right causes to yield the best effects.
I should have taken the guitar home with me that day, so that at least it will serve as a heartwarming reminder until both of us have returned safely. But then again, I will make sure we will have more of such moments, that time wont have to stop here.
Press on Shannen. Plant the garden of your life and let the flowers all bloom one day, exceeding all expectations. Step by step, the roots are growing deeper. Remain unswayed by the environment. You can do it!