Joy is knowing that the chains of your past are gradually breaking apart.
It was hard to explain to people but I never felt that I could really move on unless these people moved on. Social media can be a really curated platform but I hope with all my heart that these are true.
Those days were so challenging. From time to time, I would be wrecked with pain from all the guilt and the confusion. But this only confirmed that while others can try to blame you for their pain and darkness and you try your hardest to help, in the end these are their battles. They have to overcome them on their own.
I have been bearing others' pain for some time simply because I was there and I felt like that yeah maybe I caused parts of it. When I returned from exchange, so many walls were built up inside me. Truthfully, I wasnt confident of myself partly because I thought/felt that I caused some people pain. I didnt think I was a good person.
It took me so long to realise that certain insecurities and unreciprocated feelings cannot be deliberately caused by me if I didnt have the intention in the first place. Feelings are hard to control and they go beyond logic. I cannot possibly retreat or just proceed to go out with anyone simply because I feel bad or I think I would otherwise cause them unhappiness.
You may think youre being noble in doing such things but actually, youre disrespecting yourself and not trusting that they will be able to learn, grow and overcome these matters.
I hope that whatever I have seen are literally true and I hope theyre off in a different yet positive direction.
(And I hope that it means lesser walls between us too. Lesser need to bother too much about others' feelings.)
Okay still trying to take everything in...
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