No one likes to blame themselves but I need to admit that I have a part to play in this.
I realised that I cannot answer the most fundamental question as to why I had actually been subtly rejecting this leap of faith. Im not surprised that this silence has happened and by instinct, I was pushing the blame on you. But then my eyes were gradually opened to the fact that I play a part in this too.
So I have been wondering why I had pushed all these advances away. I know that I have been playing dumb and I know what you have been doing all along. And I do feel so much for you, so what is up with me not being able to accept all these gestures from you?
I am genuinely not playing hard to get. I just have an issue with myself that I am not sure what it is because this realisation has been too recent.
I thought of all the times with other loved ones that brought this concern to surface. Somehow, when a person does something for me that is super big and sincere, I am touched but also horrified (for a lack of better word). I cannot understand why people would go the extra mile for me. I cannot understand why people can give something precious to me. Worst of all, I cannot understand why this bothers me so much till the point where im upset and unable to accept them.
Is it because I dont think I deserve to be loved? Or that I am calculative?
I dont know what the answer is at the moment. But it is disquieting and uncomfortable to have to enter and resolve something so fundamental within myself.
Yet I know that if I do not realise why I am like that, I will continue to hurt you everytime you pluck up the courage to try at the most unprecedented and unexpected of moments. And your patience will run out.
It was liberating to tell them snippets of the truth, but I was shocked too when all three of them were dumbfounded by what I had shared about us. They were most bewildered by my reactions to these matters.
I didnt want to see this, but I had to. Because otherwise, I would brush this concern away time and again.
I know though that it starts with me. I dont know where to begin, but I need to figure it out as soon as I can. For things like this, no one can fix me except for myself.