WHISPERS OF THE HEART
Blow.
Thursday, February 09, 2017 @ 9:37 am

No one likes to blame themselves but I need to admit that I have a part to play in this.

I realised that I cannot answer the most fundamental question as to why I had actually been subtly rejecting this leap of faith. Im not surprised that this silence has happened and by instinct, I was pushing the blame on you. But then my eyes were gradually opened to the fact that I play a part in this too.

So I have been wondering why I had pushed all these advances away. I know that I have been playing dumb and I know what you have been doing all along. And I do feel so much for you, so what is up with me not being able to accept all these gestures from you?

I am genuinely not playing hard to get. I just have an issue with myself that I am not sure what it is because this realisation has been too recent.

I thought of all the times with other loved ones that brought this concern to surface. Somehow, when a person does something for me that is super big and sincere, I am touched but also horrified (for a lack of better word). I cannot understand why people would go the extra mile for me. I cannot understand why people can give something precious to me. Worst of all, I cannot understand why this bothers me so much till the point where im upset and unable to accept them.

Is it because I dont think I deserve to be loved? Or that I am calculative?

I dont know what the answer is at the moment. But it is disquieting and uncomfortable to have to enter and resolve something so fundamental within myself.

Yet I know that if I do not realise why I am like that, I will continue to hurt you everytime you pluck up the courage to try at the most unprecedented and unexpected of moments. And your patience will run out.

//

It was liberating to tell them snippets of the truth, but I was shocked too when all three of them were dumbfounded by what I had shared about us. They were most bewildered by my reactions to these matters.

I didnt want to see this, but I had to. Because otherwise, I would brush this concern away time and again.

I know though that it starts with me. I dont know where to begin, but I need to figure it out as soon as I can. For things like this, no one can fix me except for myself.


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